Restless within…

Restless within. That is the only way I can describe me at this moment. The need to write is compelling. But my mind drifts without direction. Thinking a lot about family and what it has become. Seeing now what I didn’t see back then.

I know I must be accountable for my life.and the decisions I’ve made. It all felt right at the time. But now, years later I see the results of some of my selfish actions. I know I am my own worst critic. There is good and bad with that. Good as I always strive to be a better me. Bad as it causes paralysis afraid to make a move as it might be wrong.

Back to the family situation. I grew up normal family setting. Well normal from the stand point mom divorcing. In the late fifties it was unheard of. And in a Greek family cardinal sin. You excommunicated , disowned , you name it. Pretty much on your own. I was quite young and don’t really remember much, except what was told to me. Early memories mom remarried.home life was good. No drama no stress. It wasn’t till the end of junior high, early high school that is when the problems began. Before then I was this quiet kid. Stayed much to myself. Not may friends. It was that summer before high school. I began to explore. I began to ask why. Unable to accept thing the way they were. I wanted to know who I was and what direction I wanted to go.

By the end of my high school days I had to go. I knew if I stayed I never find myself. Slowly breaking me down to the point where I would just roll over and give in. Out of high school I found some friends to go in on an apartment. And the rest is history.

I guess over the years I’ve earned the Black Sheep status.lol. What can I say. I got to feel right about me. Feeling good in my own skin. So if is sheep skin so be it. After all it is my skin isn’t it?

I guess over the years I’ve developed these schisms between me and family. We are all different. We need to respect one and others differences. I may not agree, but I respect you and how you choose to live your life. And all I ask is the same.

Bridging the gap has become quite the challenge as some can not let go of the past or their narrow-mindedness. Then again I can be stubborn. We both have to try. If we want it we can have it. I want to spend the rest of my time living the now. No regrets. No grudges. No ill feeling resentment or the like.a clear conscience. It is not proving an easy task. But it is a must do.