Restless within #2

Restless within still. I didn’t match the call with my last post .. It’s not just going away. The main thing is Im not even sure as to what is troubling me. I thought it was the family thing. Maybe I just didn’t go deep enough. I must write my way through to the other side . Like priming a pump. .working the handle up and down a few times till the water starts flowing. Same with my words. I’ll write and write till it all comes out.

This is probably one of the hardest things for me. I don’t speak untruths. The conversation just goes so deep and no further. There are places I have never been. You would think that by my age I would know myself. Not so. There is more of me the deeper I go. I don’t think I am alone in this I think others are in the same place of discovery. That is if they are being honest with themselves.

Maybe you are wondering why? Why not just let it be? What are you hoping to find.? You’ve made it this far why change it now? Well I don’t have a simple answer to all the why questions. I know I’ve spent my whole life searching. And my journey has led me right to today. That I feel good about. The anxiety comes from the thought of exploring the unknown. Not knowing what to expect. Is this the real me or is it the me created to appease everyone around me and buried deep with in is the true me.

Boy if you still with me through what I just said, haven’t shut me off, or taken me off your follow list then we are good for now. The pump is primed and I am starting to see a trickle of water coming out.

I was just thinking. My mind set has always been wrong choices hinder progress.. Life s trial and error. Making good and bad choices is how it is done. Making a bad judgement when recognized must be made good. Learning from my mistakes. I think doing nothing is more of a hindrance it can stop everything. What I mean doing nothing. It is those times of denial, ignoring an issue, or running away from a situation. Basically the same result. The problem will not go away. Always resurfacing larger than it was before. Left unchecked it will continue to grow take more and more til it is impossible to progress.

I know it is one of my shortcoming. My issue with family dates back40+ year. A small misunderstanding has grown larger than life grudge match. The thing is so often I was wrapped v up in my own head trip I did even realize there was an issue.

Now it is hitting me over the head. And if I don’t deal with it I may live to regret it. I must confess I don’t know what the hell to do about it. I really don’t. I am overwhelmed. Stuck. So that’s my story and I am sticking t it.

Who knows at this point. There may be a sequel Or I might change the title. Maybe by some wild twist of fate I will have good news.