What is in a feeling?

What is  in a feeling?  Snuck up on me it did. Feelings  lost so many years ago. Lies, deceit , and deception. Vowing never again to weaken. Heart in hand.  Unbearable pain when one cares too much.  The passing of time growing a  bitter,  hard and callous heart  rendering me unable  feel anything at all.

Love , hate, glad, or sadness unable to give or receive it… Until now.. No one has got my attention. What makes this different ?  Is it because it  is forbidden.? I can’t believe I am asking myself if she is feeling  something too..

It has been so long since I’ve enjoyed someone else company. Actually wanted to spend time there. Someone I can talk to. Not to over react. Not to offend or hurt anyone. Not to complicate with drama or misconceptions.  To simply allow a new friendship to grow.

I know eventually we will talk. But is it wrong to just enjoy the new found friendship in my crazy lonely world?  That funny I think it is the first time I have admitted to myself  that I am lonely.

Caught up in a triangle. Not where I want to be.  How do I keep my distance and nurture a friendship I need. I don’t want to hurt anybody  and above all I don’t want to  hurt me. It seems the older I get it. It gets harder to fit in. I try and I try  and just can’t seem to win.

Do  I decide to stay or do I turn and walk away? Do I stop long enough to enjoy the moment or do I race on by and miss a chance for a little happiness in this life.

The irony of it all is I knew change was in the cards for me so to speak.  But I’m thinking tune-up.not complete overhaul. As of right now every aspect of my life has been touched for make over. Throw out the old. Attitudes, old habits, job site, home sweet home, and everything inbetween… I can’t say it has been easy.  But it could have been.

If I had listened to myself  . Dealing with each change one step at a time. No, I chose to listen to my stubborn side.  And now I find myself backed up against the wall. Forced to make the changes I need to move on..