Lately I’ve been thinkin…

My story begins to take shape as I woke up his morning. Bumbling to the bathroom . This is how I begins each day. Standing in front of the mirror, I can’t help but be the center of attention. Unconsciously​ I begin my primping ritual. Ya right guys​ do it too. I figure if I look good I feel good. And vice a versa. When I feel good I look good.

Today I am more distracted than usual. I try to focus on the moment, but my thoughts  keep drifting​ back through the past month and a half. So much has changed. Not so much yet on the outside,but on the inside of me. I guess birthdays are the best time for new beginnings​. May 4 brings me to my sixty fourth year. Wow, it doesn’t seem like that much time has passed. The month of May also was when I took my much needed vacation. It has been years since I have enjoyed one of those. It wasn’t all that relaxing. I wasn’t able to just lay back and do nothing.  

My vacation began picking up my brother and Mom from the airport. Then a two hour drive to Tucson which turned into four or five hours. You got it . We got lost. Boy did we get lost! Are you ready for my excuse. Here we go. I haven’t been to Tucson in thirty plus years and guess what it has changed. It has changed a lot.

The trip to Tucson was not the happiest of occasions as we were gathering there to pay our last respects  my uncle. But I must say the positive side out weighed the sad occasion. I had the opportunity to see family I hadn’t seen in twenty or so years. I know I’m bad. Time moves faster than I move. There was some of the usual old rhetoric, but there were some surprises too.

I think it was the second day there. We all had two full days of what I call pleasantries. It’s like everyone is extra nice. Speaking no ill. Well at least not to your face. I don’t know how it is in other families. Mine seems to have this pass time or obsessive need to talk about whoever isn’t there. The subject matter is endless. Usually negative. And somewhat fabricated or stretched truth. At some point early in the conversation I got to get away. Actually it’s not rude of me. It’s a win win situation. I don’t have to listen to the bull shit and they have someone else they can talk about.

Anyway I am starting to drift off topic.  As I was saying it must have been the second or the third day  in. I was feeling additude but no one was saying anything to my face.  You know it gets a bit uncomfortable when you you walk up to group of people you know…as in my case family members. Everybody is talking and laughing. And they suddenly get quiet and just stare at you. My first reaction is to tell them to fuck off and just walk away. No I can’t do that . There is always two sides to every story. I do not claim to be perfect. I have made my share of mistake, but if everyone is being honest with themselves. We have all had our share of mistakes. I am nobodies judge and I don’t expect anyone to be like me.  We each have our ways. But I do expect the same respect I give to others.

We fear what we don’t understand. I guess we all want to be understood. Accepted… To be truly accepted does not mean we must become what others expect us to be.  Accept me for who I am and I will you.

If  I can continue my story.  On this evening it became clear to me why I was there. The conversation shifted  from the pleasantries of the group to dialogue between me and my aunt… No one interrupted . Not one word. It was her expressing her feelings and frustration twards me.it had been building for may years. And I was listening. Then I share my explanation. No screaming , no I’m right and you are wrong.  No it was her saying her feelings  and my word explaining why I followed the path I am on. Not intending to hurt anyone.  In my niave way I didnt even realize I was hurting others. And how misunderstood I was because I didn’t take the time to explain.  I never talked about it.  Running from any confrontation.

All I can say… I’ve spent years carrying all that extra baggage. It is time,past time to shed some of that load. If I knew then what I know now. Well I am just saying.

Yesterday….Today….Tomorrow

Yesterday… I was born in the early 50’s. Growing up through  the 60’s. Radio had been around for a while and the television was just being born. One of my favorite shows was a weekly series called Star Trek. Created by  Gene Roddenberry, a screen be writing visionary.

Fast forward to today. You tell me… Are there very close similarities with what we labeled as science fiction and today’s​technology?

Google has come up with something called a headset. The item fits like a pair of glasses. I am not certain how it works, but with the headset on it takes you into a virtual reality. A world of gaming.

There was an​ episode on Star Trek with an almost identical device. What stikes me curious is the twenty or so years be the creative thought and the aechctual product going to market.

One can only speculate what tomorrow will  bring as technology evolves.

Sleep Walking

Okay so I wasn’t … Let’s just say I wasn’t all that attentive through the late 60’s early 70’s. What I mean by attentive is I didn’t fall in line. Accepting everything that was happening around me. I always had to ask why. 

Why can’t we get along? Why are we in Vietnam? Why school, why all these classes I am not interested in? Why college when I didn’t even know what I want to study? Why marriage? Why do they kill a president and his brother a few years later and get away with it? This was just the tip of the iceberg so to speak. My mind was pounding with all these questions.

Don’t get me wrong I am by no means perfect. I don’t​ have all the answers. I haven’t made all the right decisions in my life, but I have made all the decisions in my life. Me, myself, and I. No one else. I am accountable. And guess what? That feels good!

I’ve had my ups and downs. Experienced the joy of love and marriage. And the pain of break ups and divorce. I’ve gone to battle with my demons and addictions. Sometimes I win  and sometimes I loss. But all the time I learn something and pray for the strength to move forward. Easy, no way? Have I arrived yet? No, I’m not dead yet. The way I figure this journey I am on will last my life time.  

I thought things got a bit scary in the early 60’s. They called it the Cold War. Russia and the U.S. were posturing. Playing that I’ve got bigger,better, and more nukes than you. Back and forth. We would build one. They would build two to get ahead. So we in turn would build three to maintain our lead.More and more, out of control. 

At the time we lived in rual area north of Tucson. With no schools in our community we road the school bus into Tucson to the nearest school. The scenery for the most part was desert. Dirt and cactus. About half way to town there was some fenced off government land.  And the structures​ built there where what they called silos. Not the ones you store grain in. No these silos housed a military team. 24/7. They were there to maintain the nuke that where ready and charged. And could be detinated at the push of a button. It would be on its way to a designated target. Pretty scary. 

Ya that was pretty scary I must admit, but that was nothing compared to what is possible now.

Now we have nukes that are a hundred times more powerful if not more and technology far more superier  than before. And to add to the mix there are these smaller countries who are as we speak developing technology with very destructive possibilities. I am preculating at this point, but I figure they have been bullied around  for so long they need to push back. The problem is they lack the wisdom to be cautious. Add an intense hatred for the U.S. and you have a potentually volitale situation. To he challenge for our president  not run his mouth. Choosing his every word wisely and carefully  delegate his actions. The last thing we need is a nuclear war on our hands. We all know what that would be like.

MONEY what is it worth?

Money, what is it worth? I guess we could approach it from different directions. Each avenue of thought will give a little different light. As a Wall Street broker it a tool to shift about applying leverage to manipulate assets in their favor. To a farmer , it is what he hopes he has enough of to feed him and his family through the cold winter. The poor man reaches for it as the impossible dream. The average man works hard to receive it. The rich man with greedy eyes sees all and wants it all.

That may well be some of our perceptions of money. But it still doesn’t answer my  question. Money, what is it worth?  Money in itself has no value. It’s value is based what government sets as a standard.

Concepts are hard to grasp. We need to have something physical  to wrap your mitts around. So trade and barter evolved into gold and silver and banknotes and currency and is is slowly digital devices to move money about.

It’s getting rather boring. No one pinches pennies any more  or hides their gold and silver in the backyard or dollar bill under their mattress. And at those famous dance clubs what are you to stuff into their tops and bottoms?

Currency is  becoming a thing of the past. It can  be called credits, talents, points, or whatever else you would choose to label it is good. You earn points to buy goods. Simple no thought,no need for greed. Just keep your own. And don’t take another. No need to become overstimulated it is just the standard tool to conduct business. Don’t take more than you need or spend more than you have. That sounds like a good plan doesn’t it?

What then are we  going to worry about? What will we have to fight over. Oh, we will find something else to entertain ourselves.

Money, what is it worth?  Nothing. It is just the tool  we have given that name to allow us to easily buy and sell. I don’t know about you but it relieves some of the stress I feel about money.nick

What, why, who , is it whom

 I must confess I am not a socially sauve person. What  mean by that I I view my world with the innocence or maybe I should say foolish assumption that everyone is honest, straight forward, and not self seeking. Well this is not true. Let me say there are some, not all, but some that are self seeking,dishonest and not straight up. Ones that in their own best interest will do anything to  promote their own agenda. Having no regard for anybody or anything. Eager to throw anyone under the bus that would truly get in their way.

I struggle as to what  am to do. Number one to not engage,deny, ignore,or avoid is not an option here. This leaves two directions I am able to take. One is to simply leave, remove myself from the situation. And the second is to face the situation. Right. That can go good or that can go bad. Depends deep on how it is handled.

See the problem I have is perception. My view of the world is not a war zone. The battle for supremacy has no place in my world . My strategy for survival does not include a tactical plan focusing on winning at all cost.  Lying, cheating, stealing , harming or possibly killing another person s not my mindset.

Each of us has our own mindset. Cultivated by our environment, community, and choices we have made.  Interacting can get quite complicated. Each relationship whether it is personal or working deems my attention. Respecting other without compromising self respect.  I can admit my weakness that I struggle to do right with all  that I come in counter with.  At times I am indifferent and other times impatient. Although it is not right, it is human.I don’t want to use this as an excuse,but to recognize my shortcomings and rectify the problem. It may be quite humbling at times to admit I am wrong, in doing so I become a better version of me.

So with this being said I have made some serious soul searching. And to just get my thoughts out is of grave importance to me. I am seeing clearer. And seeing a path to reconcile. And although it may be hard, it must be done.nick